The 5 Types of Girls You Should Avoid Dating

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“So let me get this straight…” I pause letting the information sink in while I sit down on my faded, tan couch. I exhale loudly into the receiver of my cell phone and spit out the gist of the tale he just recanted. “She broke into your home, has threatened to cut you in the past, and you’re pretty sure she stole your clothes?”

“Yeah,” my old roommate mutters sheepishly, “You were right about that military/crazy thing.”

“Oh, this has nothing to with the military….” I say as I imagine a young woman with a vendetta breaking down a door and stealing my clothes. “This chick just happens to be certifiably nuts.”

There’s silence on the end of the other line. I can’t tell if he’s hurt or if there’s just nothing more to be said. I don’t do awkward silences well, so I ask the next question that pops into my mind.

“So, why’d you stay with her so long in spite of all the crazy?”

But the question to that answer, I already know.

Years ago, I would have no place telling you the types of girls to avoid dating. Every girl on the list below I dated a few times over and ignored the warning signs that read “Full on Nuclear Meltdown Ahead: Beware.” But I was also the bozo most girls should have avoided (great piece by Meagan Prins), so I reaped some of what I sowed. However, I’m a firm believer the best advice comes from the people who’ve had life kick the trash out of them due to their poor mistakes. So here are mine (and maybe yours) to help you identify some of the dating landmines you might be ignoring.

SMEAGOL

In JRR Tolkien’s epic trilogy, The Lord of the Rings, we’re introduced to a character named Smeagol. Smeagol used to be a hobbit — a somewhat dwarf-like humanoid race that has large, hairy feet — but discovers a ring of power that quickly poisons his mind and has him become obsessed, leading to the infamous catch phrase, “My Precioussssssss.”

Much like Smeagol, some women become obsessed and possessed with their boyfriend. It starts off innocently enough, wanting to spend time, getting to know one another, and humorous little jabs about how we’re “missed” when we’re gone more than a few hours. This will quickly devolve into her spending every waking second wondering why you haven’t called or texted, berating you because your lack of time together shows you “don’t really care,” and noticing she’s only ever happy when you’re around. You’ve become her one ring to rule them all and it’s poisoning not just her, but you too.

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